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[heraldingangel]

TEXT || AUDIO || VIDEO || ACTION || PRAYER

Prayer: Cas can hear prayers from anywhere. Feel free to call on him anytime and he'll show up.

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[heraldingangel]

[ ....How far did he fall?

Did he even have faith left? Not in the corrupted Host of Heaven, but in God? Their Father. A question that lingers at the edge of thoughts before another rushes in to take its place before he can lend voice to it. Dean... went back to Alitair's methods?

His facade of neutrality finally breaks and he stands, quick and fast. Black wings spread out behind him, slicing through the air, shaking off the feeling of dread that crawls up his spine. The Dean he knows was nearly destroyed when they forced him to interrogate Alistair. To be cut off at every turn and be forced into that situation again... no wonder he'd been the broken shell of a man he'd once known.

But this wasn't about Dean, it wasn't about him. But the angel that was far too familiar yet so very different. ]

That's not true.

You're torturing yourself.

[perfectantidote]

oh yeah?

[ Cas feels it, that tick in his jaw. The bile rising to the back of his throat as his fingers tremble on the fluid. ]

don't be sanctimonious just because you haven't found your happy place yet

[ Barbed wire wrapped around his tongue to cut others, and try hard as he can to ignore how it cuts himself, too. An arm's length, and never closer - especially not someone who knows the height from which he fell better than anyone else.

Cas tosses the fluid down on the couch - and he will refuse to re-engage, for now. He's learned from the best to violently shut down when something strikes a painful chord. ]

[heraldingangel]

[ Castiel knows himself better than anyone. He knows his ticks, his way of thinking. The tortured thoughts that spun round and round in his head driving him to action. The specifics may be a mystery still, but he doesn't need to touch them to know he's struck a chord.

The only question that remains is - why? Why was he torturing himself? He understands the pain of falling. Of losing faith in everything he's ever believed in. He lived it.

But he also got up and continued forward because he had Sam and Dean. And Bobby. His broken family that meant more to him than the place he'd called home since his creation. Did losing Sam the final straw? Did it break him?

A question for another time. He didn't mean to push him, he only said what he saw. For now, he'll let that thread fall between them and picks up another. ]

Who says I haven't?